Of Course I’m Right – Just Ask Me!

We hear what we want to hear because we are wired that way

Oct 30, 2023

My guess is that, in these fractured times, you have had a conversation with someone about something and found that you and they viewed the topic from very different perspectives. As the conversation continued it is likely that neither of you, unfortunately, could let go of your point of view and the conversation just went downhill from there. This may have been someone you care about very much, and yet you reached an impasse that was uncomfortable for you both. When this happened to me I was confused and wondered, “What just happened?”

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So, I went on a search for answers and found a few that made sense to me. I may not like some of what I found because it is a little troubling, but my findings helped explain how this kind of impasse can happen. Here is a part of what I discovered.

Our brain is amazing and it is constantly evolving until we die. Contrary to earlier beliefs that our brain get weaker as we age, it is now believed that if we exercise our brain by learning new things, we are helping it stay young. Science shows that parts of our brain are wired to work in certain ways, which will be the topic of many future posts, but for this one I want to focus on one of those wiring characteristics: consistency.1 To understand the importance of consistency, think about how you feel when you have to deal with someone who is highly erratic. One day they say and act one way and then the next day they say and do just the opposite. Picture that person in your mind and watch your first emotional reaction to their actions. Now think about how likely you would be to trust this same person with something important to you. How much do you trust that they will follow through with their agreement? Would you expect them to come through as agreed or would you have doubts? Would you want your life to be dependent upon them? Probably not, and this is why our brains evolved over many years to place a high value on consistency.

an abstract image of a sphere with dots and lines

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Our brain’s most basic wiring is for survival. Let’s go back to the early days of human development when life was hard and ruthless, when your life and the lives of your family (or tribe) could be dependent on a person’s actions. Those folks thought of as inconsistent would be viewed as a threat to the tribe. In a life and death situation, threats should be minimized if possible, so you would take steps to avoid depending on this erratic person. This early belief to be cautious of inconsistent people was “wired” into our developing brains through neuroplasticity.2 Whether we like it or not, caution around inconsistent people is part of our basic thinking processes. We like consistency in others and also believe that we must present ourselves as consistent or we could be pushed out of the tribe. Can you see why we would be hesitant to change, or look inconsistent? At a fundamental level, we believe consistency is important to ensuring our survival, so we have little desire to change. Plus, let’s face it, being consistent is easier. If we stay in the same house, work the same job, follow the same schedule, we have fewer unexpected occurrences, which means less likelihood of running into stressful situations which require effort to resolve.

man in black t-shirt and blue denim jeans sitting on tree branch — Photo by Zhang Kenny on Unsplash

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If we were to accept another’s new and contrary thoughts as meaningful, then we would have to use up time and mental energy to stop, analyze, and decide what to do with this new perspective. In reality, this can be asking a lot of a person if you look at the proposed change from the perspective of the primal wiring from the days when trusted acceptance by the tribe meant life or death. Being inconsistent could mean exile. Exposing ourselves to thoughts and ideas that could make us change our minds is a threat, and threats are to be avoided.

Daniel Kahneman3 puts it this way:

When people believe that a conclusion is true, they are also likely to believe arguments that appear to support it, even when these arguments are unsound.

Let’s connect all this to last week’s post about communication filters, where we talked about how our perceptions tune our filters such that we are much more likely to “hear” ideas and information that are consistent with our existing beliefs. We strive to be consistent so we can maintain the tribe’s trust and can conveniently tune out anything that may upset our beliefs and cause inconsistency. Isn’t that an interesting situation? We want to continue to think in a specific way and have the ability to block thoughts that could cause a change in thinking.

It is important to remember that what I am talking about is arguably hardwired into our brains. It takes a high level of self-awareness to realize when we are doing this ourselves.

At this point you may be saying to yourself, “Ok Ed. Assume I agree with you. Now what?” Great question.

First, recognize that you might be succumbing to this effect when it is happening. If you find yourself in a conversation that you find unbelievable, take a moment to stop and mentally disengage.
Look at the person in front of you and realize that they, and you, have this same type of mental tendency programmed into our mental wiring whether we realize it or not.
Now assume that this person believes what they believe for a valid reason (which is true for them) and begin to explore their reasons by asking a few questions. Why do they believe what they believe? How did they come to their conclusions? Why did they trust the sources of their beliefs? Do they believe that the circumstances of today match the circumstances under which their first beliefs were developed?

It is said that it takes two angry minds to have an argument, so remove yours from the equation. I don’t mean turn around and walk away unless the argument is intense enough to be at that level. I mean shift your attention away from arguing and more towards understanding the other person’s rationale for their beliefs.

This is tough to do and trust me when I say that it is not always easy in the heat of the moment. If we are to promote true understanding of each other, then we have to learn how to see things from the other person’s viewpoint, or all we will end up with is people trying to prove the other is wrong when, in reality, we might be caught in the jaws of the consistency mental trap.

I am honored that you stopped by and promise to make each post as valuable as possible.

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